all clear Tuesday, Jun 5 2007 

spin the web natasha 9:07 am

i’ve finally gotten to the dirty task of cleaning up my office desk. i know it’s probably a bit too soon. considering how i’ve more than three weeks here. but i want to go quietly. so i’m sneaking my stuff out a little later. 45 minutes from now. i’m so fond of counting down these days.

 my heap has been reduced to two thick envelopes of documents which i will turn over to whoever come june 30. i’ve a back mug, six packs of milo, and my toiletries in a corner. i’ll be bringing home my laptop every night from now on, so that should give the inanimate spaces time to adjust to my absence. funny, but i think that’s about all i’m really going to miss. the rest? hmmm. i think i’ve already overstayed my welcome. it’s more than time to go. really. i’ve made enough nuisance of myself already.

maybe i’m just being paranoid, but i could have sworn, i heard someone mutter something while she was breezing through my desk. i’m getting on her nerves and i don’t even know what i’m doing. people, when under an extreme amount of stress, could give you hell just because they feel like it. unless i’ve done something terribly, terribly wrong in the past and she’s still carrying that around with her.

wait. i’m probably just thinking too much. as always. so i’ll just stop thinking.

*

someone’s about to celebrate his birthday and he’s acting pretty differently. quiet. too quiet. almost hostile. he’s been blocking all our efforts to reach out and strike whatever sort of conversation with him, no matter how small. i’d like to convince myself that he’s just busy. most people are. but he’s gone beyond elusive, actually. he’s mastered the universal gesture of walking out on people.

what i would give to learn that too.

*

i need to see my lit friends, especially jaymee, mai and ryan. saw ryan a while ago. he looked beautiful. 

we need to set something. maybe when june’s over–when i’ve got a better grasp of things.  

 

hello, june. Tuesday, Jun 5 2007 

spin the web natasha 1:36 am

it’s been exactly a year after my second adolescence. the aspirin bottles are gone, and i am now addicted to maalox and stalking supposedly fascinating people. i can’t drink as much alcohol anymore. unless i want to be in serious pain.

and unfortunately, my recent fascination is turning out to be a disappointment. when i met my new “character”, he was as uninteresting as a stick. then, he turned into a walking hallmark card, complete with the cliche sayings and all. then he walked away. serves me right? no muse material after all.

where to now?

june is a strange month–a lot of people seem to be walking out of the scene. my contract ends on june 30. it’s still stiffling hot outside. i hope it rains pretty hard by july. i want a stormy birthday again. my mood swings are back. hopefully, i’ll be more stable in a few days. rosmon’s been asking why i’m all depressed again. i guess i’m just a little bit disappointed with the way things are turning out. i knew i wasn’t making a career out of my current job, but i didn’t expect it to end this soon too. i’m missing maan a lot. i don’t care if she’s awkward around other people here in the office. she always managed to cheer me up. misery loves company? oh my god, i’m talking in cliches now too!

i’m also delaying my enrollment. i’m supposed to be fixing my papers today, but when i saw the line of freshmen outside, and the stiffling heat, i decided i’m going push everything for tomorrow.

***

 i’m listening to julianne’s “grateful” album right now. what the heck’s happening to me? i don’t usually like listening to pop stars. i hated the people from CA when i was in college. i hate the entire popularity bandwagon. i was such a high-and-mighty lit student. and now. i swim among them. i’ve to remind myself, always, that it’s better to stay in the background. all i’ve to do is write about this, then the fascination, since it’s supposed to be momentary, will go away. just like that! voila.

and where’s my story? what the heck is stopping me?

*

she’s not bad, actually. i love the way she plays the guitar. she’s a bit like barbie almalbis. but her lyrics are…brighter than sunshine, i swear! i’ve never heard anyone more optimistic! except maybe nurse maan. i hope nurse maan’s doing good in school. why are they all turning into nurses?

later.