all clear Tuesday, Jun 5 2007

i’ve finally gotten to the dirty task of cleaning up my office desk. i know it’s probably a bit too soon. considering how i’ve more than three weeks here. but i want to go quietly. so i’m sneaking my stuff out a little later. 45 minutes from now. i’m so fond of counting down these days.

 my heap has been reduced to two thick envelopes of documents which i will turn over to whoever come june 30. i’ve a back mug, six packs of milo, and my toiletries in a corner. i’ll be bringing home my laptop every night from now on, so that should give the inanimate spaces time to adjust to my absence. funny, but i think that’s about all i’m really going to miss. the rest? hmmm. i think i’ve already overstayed my welcome. it’s more than time to go. really. i’ve made enough nuisance of myself already.

maybe i’m just being paranoid, but i could have sworn, i heard someone mutter something while she was breezing through my desk. i’m getting on her nerves and i don’t even know what i’m doing. people, when under an extreme amount of stress, could give you hell just because they feel like it. unless i’ve done something terribly, terribly wrong in the past and she’s still carrying that around with her.

wait. i’m probably just thinking too much. as always. so i’ll just stop thinking.

*

someone’s about to celebrate his birthday and he’s acting pretty differently. quiet. too quiet. almost hostile. he’s been blocking all our efforts to reach out and strike whatever sort of conversation with him, no matter how small. i’d like to convince myself that he’s just busy. most people are. but he’s gone beyond elusive, actually. he’s mastered the universal gesture of walking out on people.

what i would give to learn that too.

*

i need to see my lit friends, especially jaymee, mai and ryan. saw ryan a while ago. he looked beautiful. 

we need to set something. maybe when june’s over–when i’ve got a better grasp of things.  

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hello, june. Tuesday, Jun 5 2007

it’s been exactly a year after my second adolescence. the aspirin bottles are gone, and i am now addicted to maalox and stalking supposedly fascinating people. i can’t drink as much alcohol anymore. unless i want to be in serious pain.

and unfortunately, my recent fascination is turning out to be a disappointment. when i met my new “character”, he was as uninteresting as a stick. then, he turned into a walking hallmark card, complete with the cliche sayings and all. then he walked away. serves me right? no muse material after all.

where to now?

june is a strange month–a lot of people seem to be walking out of the scene. my contract ends on june 30. it’s still stiffling hot outside. i hope it rains pretty hard by july. i want a stormy birthday again. my mood swings are back. hopefully, i’ll be more stable in a few days. rosmon’s been asking why i’m all depressed again. i guess i’m just a little bit disappointed with the way things are turning out. i knew i wasn’t making a career out of my current job, but i didn’t expect it to end this soon too. i’m missing maan a lot. i don’t care if she’s awkward around other people here in the office. she always managed to cheer me up. misery loves company? oh my god, i’m talking in cliches now too!

i’m also delaying my enrollment. i’m supposed to be fixing my papers today, but when i saw the line of freshmen outside, and the stiffling heat, i decided i’m going push everything for tomorrow.

***

 i’m listening to julianne’s “grateful” album right now. what the heck’s happening to me? i don’t usually like listening to pop stars. i hated the people from CA when i was in college. i hate the entire popularity bandwagon. i was such a high-and-mighty lit student. and now. i swim among them. i’ve to remind myself, always, that it’s better to stay in the background. all i’ve to do is write about this, then the fascination, since it’s supposed to be momentary, will go away. just like that! voila.

and where’s my story? what the heck is stopping me?

*

she’s not bad, actually. i love the way she plays the guitar. she’s a bit like barbie almalbis. but her lyrics are…brighter than sunshine, i swear! i’ve never heard anyone more optimistic! except maybe nurse maan. i hope nurse maan’s doing good in school. why are they all turning into nurses?

later.  

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by god, she’s back Tuesday, Apr 3 2007

maybe it’s this place.

yesterday, i found myself flaring up over little things. someone was snapping at me. well, she always snaps at me. i think at me in particular, but maybe not. maybe i’m just paying her too much attention when i shouldn’t. her shoes are obviously too big for her. she can’t handle it and it’s showing because she’s overplaying the hitler bit. i’ve one word. pathetic. never mind her. never mind every one else. i’ve three months to bear here. maybe less if i play my cards right. i just don’t want to give certain people the feeling that they’ve managed to drive me out of this place. i’m moving out when my contract ends, and there’s no other way of going about it. right now, we’ll just have to learn to live with each other a tinee winee bit longer. god help me.

*

on my way home, after a pretty painful argument with someone, i found a black and white skinny kitten on the sidewalk gutter. it was crying for its mother. no one was looking, so i grapped my hanky and snatched the kitten by the neck. it stopped crying for a while, but i think it was in utter shock. its claws were out, and although i knew it couldn’t quite see yet, the kitten knew i wasn’t its mom. i was building grand plans of keeping it in a box, raising it on my own and hiding it from my mother, but when i saw how repulsive i must seem to the poor creature, i just let it lie on the grass patch where, well, i supposed it would be safe from the oncoming vehicles and what not. it cried again. let it cry. i hoped its mother would come get it soon.

i could still feel its warm skin against my fingertips when i got home. but hey, i’m pretty sick of forcing myself on people. on anything.

to hell with all kittens.    

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moving Friday, Mar 30 2007

the past three weeks have been pretty hectic. i’ve managed to fall down a flight of stairs right in front of my office, and i’ve been living my life in boxes. i’m saying goodbye to my old room. it’s a long and tedious process, these goodbyes. my closet looks too bare. i’ve gotten rid of more than half the rags i’ve accumulated for the past five years. i really must develop a talent for choosing better clothes. while digging through my rags, i realized how my shirts look more or less the same, i’ve more than two drawers full of black garments, and my pants are all sloppy. i bet people here in the office have memorized the clothes i wear. or maybe no one really cares and this paranoia is brought about by too many sachets of 3-in-1 coffee i like to nibble in the afternoons. it makes my heart skip and my ears pop. it’s a pretty wonderful feeling, once you get used to it.

this will be our eighth move. i’ve lived an average of three years per house in my life. my family is a family of gypsies and we’re finally trying to settle some place. finally. maybe i can call this space mine, for good. maybe.

the house sits in the borderline of pasig and cainta,rizal. the house is in pasig, the garage is in cainta. it’s farther from where i work if you like taking beaten down old jeepneys. by cab, it’s an additional 15 minutes per trip, given that the roads are all pretty accessible. 

it also lies beside a dead creek. i don’t know why they called it “dead” to begin with. sure, i can hardly see the water through the thick overgrowth but i think it’s still alive. one day i’ll give it a name. when i first met the house, which was last saturday, it made its presence felt pretty strongly the entire time we were moving furnitures. i’ve never smelled anything more attacking than that ”dead creek” smell. 

but maybe it does die once in a while. when i came to visit the house again yesterday, the smell was gone.

i haven’t really talked about the house yet, have i? it looks like food. the walls are orange and salmon. it’s as shocking as my mother, and just like her, the house looks bigger than it actually is. we have 15 more days to sell all of our old stuff. after easter sunday, we’re supposed to pack everything up and stay in the new one.

i’ll post pictures soon. just for show and tell.    

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broaching on the subject of cats Wednesday, Feb 28 2007

i have an unfinished story in my hands. it is about a cat. i don’t know why i’ve even set out to write about a cat. i used to hate the way writers form the female image around the feline fetish and i am suddenly caught in the midst of the bandwagon.

maybe it is because i fancy myself as a cat, becoming a cat. in a lot of ways i feel this has to do with my constant need to escape.

and because much of this life is made up of routine, i fear i won’t be very successful in trying to become rich. tasks bore me, even the most difficult ones. no matter how “challenging” the people up there make it sound, all i see is smallness, and i can’t take how i’m supposed to spend so much time working on let’s say a compilation which no one will read. why?

i’m probably just bitter right now. you see, i haven’t exactly been in good terms with someone. because i think poorly of my job, i am, quite naturally, inefficient as well. i throw things carelessly. i do not understand what my officemates mean when they say “professional pride”. i don’t see myself as one–not here. how could i?

and now i’m torn between wanting to take the ticket out because it is the easiest, most logical path to pursue, and taking the calmer path which will allow me to control the damage i’ve caused. i know she’s mad at me for a reason and it would be pretty unfair to just walk out on whatever i’ve already committed myself to. have you ever been through a break up? this feels like one–which will end pretty badly, i bet.

and yet there it is again, the cat. she’s playing right outside my window. she still comes back every afternoon, but what i’m really waiting for, what i really want, is for her never to come back. i want her to relish in the thought of leaving me in pain, of feeling her absence there, hearing imaginary cat meows, seeing imaginary cat shadows slinking into a corner.

slowly becoming cat.

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